Nightmares

As a child, I was often chased by Something on the dark, wet streets of my nightmares. I could never get away fast enough, as if slogging through a waist-deep bog. I could never gain momentum, and Something always closed the space between us. It was easy. It delighted in my fear.

Eventually, Something caught me, but I was older. I fought back. Even as I beat it into a bloody stump, Something delighted in my fear.

Today, when I see him, waiting for me to panic and run, I stand fast and defiant.

Today, he only stares back.

Irish Spell

This traditional Irish magic spell can be used to vex enemies, competitors, difficult relatives, or the generally uncooperative.

Find a good-sized potato. The type does not matter and will neither add nor detract from the potency of the charm. Scrub well with water and drip dry. The most important step is this: Stab the potato repeatedly with a sharp fork while shouting to the heavens, “I curse thee,” and the person’s full name. “I curse thee..!” Wrap in cling film, pop in the microwave on high for five minutes and turn over for five more. Eat and relish delicious defeat.

Cracking

I envy anybody who can crack their neck. I’m talking about pushing your hand against your jaw, followed by a sudden crack that looks like you’ve finally opened a peanut butter jar. Dammit, I wish I could crack like that. And I don’t mean weak little popcorn firecracker knuckley cracks. Doesn’t count. I’m talking about vertebral subluxation correction immediately followed by cries of relief. When I hear it, behind this wall… That’s why I got this job. Eight months now, never, ever bored. Just holding on for the next — Excuse me, I have to answer that.

Chiropractics, Shauna speaking…