His and Hers shopping lists

Her shopping list:
  Peppermint coffee creamer, Christmas pajama and slipper set (returned)
  Dog stocking, Painted wood sign, “Fresh Cut Christmas Trees”
  Fleetwood Mac concert tickets
  Assorted Bath & Body Works soft soap, assorted 3-wick candles
  Two boxes of See’s Candy Nuts & Chews, One pack of miniature candy canes
  Dog antlers, dog sweater

His shopping list:
  Christmas tree stand, Christmas light replacement bulbs
  5’ extension cord, 3-prong outlet timer
  6’ HDMI cable, 3.5mm to RCA male adapter (returned)
  Wreath hanger in oil rubbed bronze
  Four M8 45mm hex bolts, 8’ 4K HDMI cable, digital optical cable
  Fleetwood Mac concert tickets

Third Wheel

It’d been a long time since the breakup and I was used to going solo. A bike ride at sunrise set the tone every day. Healthy mind, healthy body. On this particular day, you could smell the coming rain and a rainbow ended over the coffee shop. I had to stop in.

There she was, with him, at a table in the window. Had they been up all night? She waved me in to say hello. I waved them off politely, but they weren’t having it. So I walked in, threw my front tire on the table, and sat down.

Aunt Tess

My Aunt Tess was a mean old lady with a stare that stopped you cold in your tracks. It didn’t matter what you were doing but by the look in her eye what you were doing was wrong. Didn’t make sense why my mom did what she did. I guess she just didn’t see Aunt Tess the same way us kids did. Mom found a guy with a 3D printer and had him 3D print aunt Tess’s head, eyes and all, then stuck that head on an elf on the shelf body to watch over us through that horrible Christmas.

Thankful

I’m thankful for the plentiful food my family has to eat, as it keeps them from talking more.

I’m thankful for politics and religion, as when they’re brought up we’ve all agreed to do shots.

I’m thankful CrabLobstRimps isn’t a thing anybody wants.

I’m thankful for the toothpick feature in my pocket knife.

I’m thankful Black Friday can’t make my bank account any emptier than it already is.

I’m thankful I don’t flip out when I walk through spider webs on the porch and thus tumble to my death.

I’m thankful for all the small things that keep us connected.

The Desire Clamp

The Desire Clamp is the simplest solution to date in the battle against anxiety, depression, fatigue, low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, shame, insomnia, upset stomach, and that nagging inner voice.

Take one easy-to-swallow capsule with 8oz. of tap and the Desire Clamp does the rest. With patented self-guiding technology, the capsule finds and “clamps” itself permanently to the hypothalamus. Now in place, the “want” centers of the brain are in unlimited hibernation, thus, letting you forget your worries, get down to business, and get back to your busy day. Sign up is free.* 

*Via 24 deductions from net pay.

Eyes

I have a bag of eyes. I use them to see different things in different ways. The ones for work are to see close up. They were my first pair. I have another set for when I’m out, so I can see far in the distance. I use a third set when I want to see from someone else’s point of view. I didn’t use to use them but find I wear them the most now. I feel bad for people that only use their first set of eyes, walking around with a migraine all day because they can’t see.

Switch Witch

It was a treacherous night of knocking on doors and dodging monsters, all to get my fill of Halloween candy. Monsters had been dodged, and my bucket was heavy. My parents inspected the winnings. After that, the booty was mine. I was polite. I was patient.

“You can have one,” they said. That’s when the horror began.

When I reached inside, I felt dried apricots, apple slices, cinnamon sticks and sunflower seeds, packets of apple cider dust, raisin balls, and an orange.

The switch witch must’ve gotten to it,” they supposed.

The switch witch. The most horrible monster of all.