Tuna Salad?

There’s a time right before you hit the grocery store, and right after you’re hungry enough to eat what’s left in the cupboard, in any combination, that experimentation begins.

So I find a can of tuna. Tuna salad, easy. Just need a couple more ingredients, which I don’t have. Aha! The perfect substitute; Puffins Cereal. Hear me out. The salty, sugary coating replaces the taste of sweet relish and onions, and the hearty crunch stands in for crispy celery. Mixing them together, not so appealing, and I don’t have the stomach to add mayo, or mustard, but it was delicious.

Weekend Getaway

Every once in a while, I like to sweep up the family for a weekend getaway. Doesn’t have to be anything spectacular. Hit the beach. The desert. I call them up and say, “On my way. Pack a bag and meet me outside!” Thing is, when we get back… The kitchen, for one – There are scattered dishes that looks like they’re moving because of all the ants.

You guys, when I say weekend getaway, I don’t literally mean Getaway! Drop everything! Don’t flush, run! Police aren’t coming. A bomb’s not about to go off. Although now, looks like it did.

The Building

There’s a building on the corner by where I live. Well, there used to be a building.

It was quiet there. No cars. No people. I hardly noticed the graffiti growing on the windows. Then, one day, the top floor was gone. Machines had come overnight to eat it. They circled around so it couldn’t get away and picked at its bones, passed girders and rock to the ground where more machines chewed on the pieces. Then the second floor. Gone. Then the walls, and one day, there was nothing left but inches of dust.

They must’ve been very hungry.

Ants

When there’s an ant in the house, I squish it – or Windex. That works – Now, wouldn’t you think that sends a clear signal to other ants to not come around anymore? But they keep coming. I figure the queen’s sitting around going, “Hey, where’s Gina?” – Most ants are girls by the way. Fun fact.

So, “Where’s Gina?”

“Haven’t seen her for a while, my Queen.” – Ants are very polite I’m guessing – But the queen gets this look of, “She must’ve found the spoils of a lifetime. Find that selfish euarthropoda and bring her to me!”

That’s my guess.

Honking

If I could get somebody in the automotive industry to consider new car concepts for next year, I really think it’s time to modify the horn. You honk and it just floats around, and people might wonder, “Who’s that for?” So I’m saying, no honk; roof mounted paintball gun instead. One shot, not rapid fire, that way you can zero in a direct SPLAT! and get their attention right away.

And if you’re the one car in traffic getting machine gunned by ten or twelve other cars, you might consider, “Oh, what did I do? My bad.” and stop texting!

Password

This whole secure password thing is… Say I give a password to walk into my bank, and they stop me at the door. “That’s not the password, sorry. Gave you three tries. Even gave you a hint. Looks like you’ve never been here.”

Okay… How can I get in? I need to do banking. They say, “Tell you what; register a password and we’ll let you in as a new customer.” Fine. So I give them a password and they go, “Nah – You used that password last month.“

I believe it’d be within my rights to strangle them immediately.

Firecracker

It’s the best firecracker stand in the world! Only one has those Chinese Limb-enators and Russian Roulettes – Those are where five are dudes but the sixth one can take your head off. Hell yeah! Who gets to light that one?

Thing is you never know where it’s gonna be on account of it’s mobile. Sometimes you can hear ‘em comin’. A little guy throws Snap Crackers off the tailgate. Sometimes it’s whizzing by with a police escort behind. Never can tell. And the lucky bastard who gets to blow the stand up at midnight? Can’t wait to watch it boom!