Aunt Tess

My Aunt Tess was a mean old lady with a stare that stopped you cold in your tracks. It didn’t matter what you were doing but by the look in her eye what you were doing was wrong. Didn’t make sense why my mom did what she did. I guess she just didn’t see Aunt Tess the same way us kids did. Mom found a guy with a 3D printer and had him 3D print aunt Tess’s head, eyes and all, then stuck that head on an elf on the shelf body to watch over us through that horrible Christmas.

Masochistic Christmas

The elf is watching, and if you don’t behave, there will be no Christmas. Santa sees all, and if you’re naughty, you get nothing for Christmas.

In most animated movies, there are lots of bad guys who want to cancel Christmas. In a lot of grown-up movies, there are lots of bad guys who want to cancel Christmas.

On certain news channels, there’s a war on saying the words Merry Christmas out loud.

Boy, a lot of people can’t enjoy Christmas without pretending it’s doomed. To them I say, enjoy your masochistic Christmas.

To you I say, avoid them.

The Orphanage

The orphanage is truly blessed, as the Housewives visited again this Christmas. We sang songs for them and took pictures with their children, and they took selfies to promote their deeds back home. They hid gifts for us in the brush. Some fell doing so. They shouldn’t wear high heels here. Anyway, yesterday we found the real gift. A handbag full of jewelry buried by the gate. They feared their jewels would be stolen so they hid them, someone heard say. The jewels traded for over a million pesos. Construction of the new orphanage begins shortly.

God bless the Housewives.