The Building

There’s a building on the corner by where I live. Well, there used to be a building.

It was quiet there. No cars. No people. I hardly noticed the graffiti growing on the windows. Then, one day, the top floor was gone. Machines had come overnight to eat it. They circled around so it couldn’t get away and picked at its bones, passed girders and rock to the ground where more machines chewed on the pieces. Then the second floor. Gone. Then the walls, and one day, there was nothing left but inches of dust.

They must’ve been very hungry.

Ants

When there’s an ant in the house, I squish it – or Windex. That works – Now, wouldn’t you think that sends a clear signal to other ants to not come around anymore? But they keep coming. I figure the queen’s sitting around going, “Hey, where’s Gina?” – Most ants are girls by the way. Fun fact.

So, “Where’s Gina?”

“Haven’t seen her for a while, my Queen.” – Ants are very polite I’m guessing – But the queen gets this look of, “She must’ve found the spoils of a lifetime. Find that selfish euarthropoda and bring her to me!”

That’s my guess.

Honking

If I could get somebody in the automotive industry to consider new car concepts for next year, I really think it’s time to modify the horn. You honk and it just floats around, and people might wonder, “Who’s that for?” So I’m saying, no honk; roof mounted paintball gun instead. One shot, not rapid fire, that way you can zero in a direct SPLAT! and get their attention right away.

And if you’re the one car in traffic getting machine gunned by ten or twelve other cars, you might consider, “Oh, what did I do? My bad.” and stop texting!

Password

This whole secure password thing is… Say I give a password to walk into my bank, and they stop me at the door. “That’s not the password, sorry. Gave you three tries. Even gave you a hint. Looks like you’ve never been here.”

Okay… How can I get in? I need to do banking. They say, “Tell you what; register a password and we’ll let you in as a new customer.” Fine. So I give them a password and they go, “Nah – You used that password last month.“

I believe it’d be within my rights to strangle them immediately.

Firecracker

It’s the best firecracker stand in the world! Only one has those Chinese Limb-enators and Russian Roulettes – Those are where five are dudes but the sixth one can take your head off. Hell yeah! Who gets to light that one?

Thing is you never know where it’s gonna be on account of it’s mobile. Sometimes you can hear ‘em comin’. A little guy throws Snap Crackers off the tailgate. Sometimes it’s whizzing by with a police escort behind. Never can tell. And the lucky bastard who gets to blow the stand up at midnight? Can’t wait to watch it boom!

Dog Butt

My Vet opened this book to a full color illustration. The title: Canine Anal Glands. So I was paying her to show me drawings of dog butts.

“These are normal glands,” she explains, then laid a plastic page over it. “and this is what happens when they rupture.”

Geez. Didn’t hear much more. Words like “raw” and “puss” jumped out. Looking at the highly detailed illustration, all I could think was, how many hours did the illustrator put into this? Were reference photos provided? Did the editor know it was finished when they saw the final version and passed out?

In The Weeds

My gardener stopped showing up. Don’t know what happened. The yard overgrew, very quickly, and before I knew it I was the one out there fighting weeds and getting pricked by dead thistle. It’s miserable work, unless you’re out there early morning, or sundown, when the air’s cool.

You know, I wasn’t even looking at the yard until I had to take care of it. Walked by, every day, and took it for granted.

So I guess I appreciate having to get down on my hands and knees and sweat. Who knows if I would’ve ever noticed anything at all.