My College Roommate

Living with a little kid is exactly like living with my college roommate. He hates wearing shoes and socks. He leaves comic books on the back of the toilet, and thinks it’s hilarious to pee off our balcony. His two food groups are cheese pizza and ramen noodles. He loves to burp. Side note; the house always smells like Italian or Chinese. We can spend up to forty-five minutes looking for the remote he lost. He listens to the same damn album over and over and over again. And sometimes I find him passed out and wedged behind the couch.

Free Couch

There’s a rickety couch and side table perched on the curb at the end of the street, and on the arm of the couch is a sign that says, FREE.

I’m proud of them. How long did it take to inch their way out of that house? Did they have to climb upstairs from a basement, or navigate trappings of furniture down dark hallways? It’s clear no one cared for them anymore, so good for them.

Now, the terrifying wait for the one thing keeping them from freedom; a truck, and anyone willing to get them far away from here.

Rabbit Holes

I spend my time in rabbit holes, tunneling in endless fascination. I love the smells, the sounds, the look of the walls, and am delighted when they bend in directions I hadn’t thought of. I can spend hours down here. Days. Sometimes the maze behind me caves in and I wonder, how did I get here? But I love it. Up on the surface, there’s commitments, and questions about things I think I need to do. It never ends. Down here, it’s quiet. It’s simple. It’s peaceful, and I’m at ease.

That’s why I spend my time in rabbit holes.

Hot Car

If vehicle windows are cracked open, they will be marked and remain open to that level. If any window is smashed out by rescue workers to gain entry, it’s sufficient to seal said window with 0.25 mm clear polyethylene plastic sheeting and tape. The vehicle’s owner will be handcuffed to the steering wheel, and made it stay in the vehicle for the duration they left their child inside. The duration will double for dogs, as they are unable to perspire as efficiently as humans. The sentence will be carried out within 24 hours, at approximately the same time of day.

Overhead Projector

Kids get excited for new school supplies. Teachers get excited too. I got an overhead projector in my classroom, and couldn’t wait to use it. My back wouldn’t be to the kids anymore, making it so much easier to keep them focused.

Yes, that’s a buzzing fly, Kyle. No, don’t think he’ll hurt you. Just ignore him. Problem solved, moving on.

The fly landed on my pinky and projected a very detailed, three-foot bug crawling on the wall. The class shrieked. Because I shrieked. And I fell on Kyle.

I sent us both to the nurse’s office to settle down.

The Vandals

The gleaming girders of the new bridge never stood a chance against graffiti, even while it was under construction. The Engineer, however, came up with a solution to the headache.

Electrify the bridge.

Sure, the vandals might lose a finger. Or two. Maybe a hand. But it would send a clear message; Stay off the bridge. Secondly, it would keep birds away. The Engineer detested birds, and their mess.

Following a long silence, a Committee member spoke. “But, people would fall to the street below. In traffic.”

The Engineer acknowledged his solution seemed cruel.

“I suppose we could install nets…”

Tuna Salad?

There’s a time right before you hit the grocery store, and right after you’re hungry enough to eat what’s left in the cupboard, in any combination, that experimentation begins.

So I find a can of tuna. Tuna salad, easy. Just need a couple more ingredients, which I don’t have. Aha! The perfect substitute; Puffins Cereal. Hear me out. The salty, sugary coating replaces the taste of sweet relish and onions, and the hearty crunch stands in for crispy celery. Mixing them together, not so appealing, and I don’t have the stomach to add mayo, or mustard, but it was delicious.