The Desire Clamp

The Desire Clamp is the simplest solution to date in the battle against anxiety, depression, fatigue, low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, shame, insomnia, upset stomach, and that nagging inner voice.

Take one easy-to-swallow capsule with 8oz. of tap and the Desire Clamp does the rest. With patented self-guiding technology, the capsule finds and “clamps” itself permanently to the hypothalamus. Now in place, the “want” centers of the brain are in unlimited hibernation, thus, letting you forget your worries, get down to business, and get back to your busy day. Sign up is free.* 

*Via 24 deductions from net pay.

The Parade

She ignored the marching bands, the applause after the floats, the clopping of horses and scouts singing songs. She promised herself one day she’d join the parade.

She’d tuned it out for a while and, missing the racket, went to the streets. They were empty. Her heart sank as she found only discarded noisemakers, leftover confetti. The parade was gone.

She couldn’t have missed it. She marched up the street defiantly, tears burning her eyes. Now, she would be the parade. Bystanders thought her ridiculous but she marched on, desperate for anyone to join in and keep the parade alive.

Phony Drivers

We know you’re on the phone. You’re hunched over and when the light’s green you don’t move. When it’s clear to turn you don’t turn and when the speed limit’s thirty, you’re going fifteen. Get off your damn phone, you moron. But shaming doesn’t work. The obvious solution is simple. If you’re on your phone while driving, it’s legal to ram your car.

Oh, you weren’t on your phone? Check the phone records, officer. Hey how about that, I guess we’re done here. Everybody would become very aware of their surroundings and the problem would vanish in a morning commute.