Phony Drivers

We know you’re on the phone. You’re hunched over and when the light’s green you don’t move. When it’s clear to turn you don’t turn and when the speed limit’s thirty, you’re going fifteen. Get off your damn phone, you moron. But shaming doesn’t work. The obvious solution is simple. If you’re on your phone while driving, it’s legal to ram your car.

Oh, you weren’t on your phone? Check the phone records, officer. Hey how about that, I guess we’re done here. Everybody would become very aware of their surroundings and the problem would vanish in a morning commute.


The road was rutted and the car was shaking. The smooth patches were growing more infrequent but I couldn’t let up on the gas. At this speed, I’d still arrive late.

“Hazard in 2.2 miles,” said the dashboard.

Dammit. No time to wait in line and creep up to some accident. I gunned it. The wheel shook harder.

“Hazard in 1 mile.”

There didn’t seem to be any cars up ahead so I was in the clear. What a relief. Just had to pass —

My rear tire blew like a gunshot. The brakes locked up and the car flew.

Hot Car

If vehicle windows are cracked open, they will be marked and remain open to that level. If any window is smashed out by rescue workers to gain entry, it’s sufficient to seal said window with 0.25 mm clear polyethylene plastic sheeting and tape. The vehicle’s owner will be handcuffed to the steering wheel, and made it stay in the vehicle for the duration they left their child inside. The duration will double for dogs, as they are unable to perspire as efficiently as humans. The sentence will be carried out within 24 hours, at approximately the same time of day.