Christmas Reality

Christmas again, with decorations in shop windows and stockings and song

but something didn’t feel right this time around.

He’d heard rumors from distant cousins and trusted friends, and it made perfect sense.

You see, in every home he visited on Christmas Eve, there wasn’t ever a child present. How long had he been bringing them gifts? How long had he believed they were asleep in bed? Truth is, he’d never actually seen one. Oh, there were children at the mall. He took pictures with them. But were they the real thing?

Maybe there was no such thing as children.

Aunt Tess

My Aunt Tess was a mean old lady with a stare that stopped you cold in your tracks. It didn’t matter what you were doing but by the look in her eye what you were doing was wrong. Didn’t make sense why my mom did what she did. I guess she just didn’t see Aunt Tess the same way us kids did. Mom found a guy with a 3D printer and had him 3D print aunt Tess’s head, eyes and all, then stuck that head on an elf on the shelf body to watch over us through that horrible Christmas.

Masochistic Christmas

The elf is watching, and if you don’t behave, there will be no Christmas. Santa sees all, and if you’re naughty, you get nothing for Christmas.

In most animated movies, there are lots of bad guys who want to cancel Christmas. In a lot of grown-up movies, there are lots of bad guys who want to cancel Christmas.

On certain news channels, there’s a war on saying the words Merry Christmas out loud.

Boy, a lot of people can’t enjoy Christmas without pretending it’s doomed. To them I say, enjoy your masochistic Christmas.

To you I say, avoid them.