Phony Drivers

We know you’re on the phone. You’re hunched over and when the light’s green you don’t move. When it’s clear to turn you don’t turn and when the speed limit’s thirty, you’re going fifteen. Get off your damn phone, you moron. But shaming doesn’t work. The obvious solution is simple. If you’re on your phone while driving, it’s legal to ram your car.

Oh, you weren’t on your phone? Check the phone records, officer. Hey how about that, I guess we’re done here. Everybody would become very aware of their surroundings and the problem would vanish in a morning commute.

Texting and Driving

Passed a motorcycle cop with a radar gun the other day and it hit me; cops should have picture taking guns. Could develop them with the Polaroid people. So when a cop spots someone texting and driving they just whip out the photo gun and – gotcha. Wouldn’t even have to try, just point it into general traffic. It’s going to take a picture of someone texting. Then it prints a ticket with a photo of them texting and when they go, “I wasn’t texting –“ the officer just tears the ticket off and slaps it on their windshield. Next!

See You Soon

Taking care of last minute things before her arrival, and that’s when I get the call. It’s the conversation we’re going to have when she gets here, but it’s happening now, with me holding a dripping toilet brush.

What about the unspoken rule? Talking starts when you get here. Is there something vital I need to know now? Do I need briefing on key points? Is there a heroin addict barely holding on in your back seat and you’re racing to me because I have the adrenaline shot? No? Then we’ll talk when you get here.

*Hangs up toilet brush*